Posts Tagged ‘bell hooks’

Love and Chauvinism

Posted: 23/07/2018 by zandtao in Education
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I have never fully confronted my chauvinism, and it is an important lack that I haven’t. Usually what I do is draw comparisons with racism which I believe I have quite a good handle on because of the great support I got from black people in my 20s. My shins got the racism kicked out of me – a reference to a time when I got kicked under the table in a pub by a quiet black friend who I was shamefully trying to antagonise – even though he was helping me.

One problem is how much sexual desire controls me, and this is different to racism in that the only difference between black and white is culture – pure systemic conditioning. People who claim any difference are simply applying cultural conditioning and putting it in a natural context. However there is a fundamental natural context that differs women from men, and that is far from being understood. As an aside I do however need to consider how my sexual preference relates to my understanding of racism. I prefer black women so I could never accept any form of inferiority because they were black, mind you that doesn’t stop the patriarchy from treating women as inferior.

I found this clip and listened to it briefly, and noted with some dismissal that there was a coming together of love and feminism – I will expand on that later. But before I really got to look into the clip I happened to watch the movie “The Girl from the Song” (imdb ref), a remake of the Orpheus and Eurydice myth. I felt such a deep empathy with the pain and frustration of the male character, it was like I had lived it. But at uni a big trip was from England to Wales, and I was afraid to go to Europe with the lads – more because I was afraid of missing out – let alone Nevada. After hitting bottom , I felt my time in London was plagued by a failed search for the cosmic – a mixture of love and the spiritual. In truth in my 20s lust was not the driving force although it was present, lust took over later when I had given up on the cosmic, and then lust and companionship particularly in Botswana, and finally just lust which is slowly waning with the ageing body but is still there in the mind.

After the search for the cosmic had been driven away by Peyton Place, there was only one time I ever felt the pain of love and rejection – not rejection unfulfilment with the Zim lady.

But the cosmic – love and spiritual – is what I related to in “The Girl from the Song”, and I note it might not have been a male fantasy as the writers were women – the director was male. 50 shades of grey was written by a woman, but as bell hooks points out in the imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy it is all who are conditioned. For me my period of search for the cosmic was dominated by a deep sense of giving love but not receiving. However to be fair, in a relationship between two people it is so difficult to reach a detachment – an objective assessment. On reflection I always felt that I was giving out a deep and powerful love, a love that was probably perceived as all-consuming. In the film I could feel the love and fear of the insecure young male, Eric, the paradox of that possessive love in which he loved her free spirit but his fear wanted to control it. This sentence is what I want to take into consideration of this clip.

In my late 20s there was my first love. It was never destined but whilst this was not a powerful reason for separation I came away feeling that a home should not be the place where I became the object of anger because of the appendage between my legs, the anger was never personal is how I recall it. I watched a movie, “Something New”, with Sanaa Lathan and Simon Baker (the first time I watched it he did not have the feel of a white man to love such a black woman but the second time I did not notice that). In the storyline he walked out because she was giving him “the black stuff” all the time. She lived “black stuff” all the time so that is the price of loving a black woman. Isn’t “feminist stuff” a price I should have been willing to pay – a woman is a woman all the time? Yes, but I was too young. However I can never recall being the white skin that was the focus of black anger, but there is probably nothing to be drawn from that. Or maybe there is. Maybe there was an unspoken recognition in the black relationships that I had sufficiently come to terms with racism, but had not come to terms with sexism.

The clip begins with the lady, Sara, asking that there be some kind of therapy/encounter in which the men stand their ground and accept the rage of the woman – described as a 3-hour process. This has a positive ring as with the “shinning process”. At the end of this process the woman then makes the man an object of her unconditional love. There is a disjointed interaction. But then I have buts …

1) A woman can discharge her rage and a man sits there and accepts her pain.

I like this because the woman is able to discharge her pain body hopefully to a greater extent. One of the points of the exercise is for the man to be able to accept that he has been part of a toxic culture. The rage teaches the man that there is a toxic culture because of the justified anger. But beyond that, what does the man learn? In my own case I would want to know what aspect of me was part of that toxic culture, since I was being the object of non-personalised rage.

I am part of a racist culture because I am white, I am part of sexist culture because I am male, I am part of an oppressive culture because I am western and have the privileges associated with that as well. I am also arrogant at times so I am MAWP. But I have also spent all my life fighting these injustices. If you rage at me because of the system, I could sit and soak it up but then come away thinking how unjust the process was. However if I could be personally shown how I contributed then I could learn and change.

We all live in the conditioning of an imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy. That conditioning applies to all of us. The woman who is raging, apart from lessening her pain body significantly, how much has she learnt about how the conditioning has affected her? bell says educating about patriarchy helps men, it does; it helps women as well. I don’t know the male statistic but 53% of white women voted for Trump. Is it also right to tell women who are satisfied with a home – what appears to be a natural drive/instinct – that they are weak and conditioned for wanting this? All people, I include myself, need educating about the conditioning they receive in the imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy. When I watch the snowflake response to Trump-puppet baiting I just see conditioning – female as well as male.

I like to see that there is #MeToo awareness processes happening involving men and women but doesn’t this first stage need refining?

But this next stage is what concerns me with regards to Orpheus and Eurydice. Love is the presence or grace that is beyond conditioning – beyond the feminine and masculine. Love is most often spoken of in terms of relationships between women and men – appropriate gender relationships; but I understand that such explosive passions awaken love and that love can then be beyond the daily interactions. In Buddhist terms it is beyond atta – beyond the khandhas:-

What is the relationship of the feminine and masculine to the khandhas? Evidently there is a difference in body – rupa. Then there is yinyang, feminine in the masculine and vice versa. Are the feminine and masculine the same with regards to feelings – vedana, perceptions – sanna, and sankhara – mental actions? I think there is difference but it appears that many do not; but whilst I accept there is difference I do not accept inequality.

I think this discussion of love and khandhas is relevant to Sara’s second stage. Love is described by Sara as something that women do. Women try to control relationships by empowering their relationships with greater love, and then to keep themselves from getting hurt they withdraw love.

I do not know whether all women do this, I certainly accept that this is something that Sara has come into contact with – herself, friends or discussion groups. Because there is the toxic environment of patriarchy does not mean that some men do not love and that some men do not suffer pain. It would not be very positive for me to be raged against by women for not loving given the pain I have experienced through unrequited love.

But for myself this pain has been healing, the pain and experience has helped heal me from some of the toxic aspects of conditioning that comes from the imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy. The pain and experience has helped me move beyond conditioning to love, presence, grace, sunnata, …

Sara doesn’t get her needs met. If the relationship is a loving relationship then those needs are khandhas that need to be mutually arrived at, two people have mutual needs.

Sara also doesn’t feel safe. I have never felt safe and now live alone – that is me. From what I observe in relationships, I see some needs being met for both women and men. It appears to be a balance that couples come to terms with, I never could. However the field of this balance is biased by patriarchy – in general by the imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy. There is a danger now for some that instead of looking for this balance an absolute ideal is sought. When I grew up the man was master of his own castle, and for some men this maxim became an absolute. Is there now an opposite extreme of #meToo balance? There is no doubt that the alt-right believe this – or at least that is what they espouse. This balance has to be mutually agreed, and if it can’t be agreed then maybe there is no living relationship as Jo decided in the movie The Girl from the Song.

There is nothing greater than love, if you have this then to allow something to get in the way is for me the greatest crime. Within that love the balance of daily life needs to be found – and that is not a given, ask Eric and Jo. The balance is based on conditioning, and it becomes necessary to help each other understand their conditioning. The imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy determines that conditioning, and all people are subject to it. In nature we learn through instinct that produces a conditioned ego, and as we mature we get rid of that ego. However for many people they never see that ego and so as they get older, instead of maturity getting rid of ego, ego entrenches itself.

Love is beyond conditioning but if we don’t see the conditioning of the imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy we are unlikely to have loving relationships. #MeToo does not change that, nor does the guilt of men as that is conditioned response in some.

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My cultural transgression

Posted: 11/07/2018 by zandtao in Freedom, Insight
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In this clip (see below) bell hooks discusses transgression initially in terms of rap music, then white appropriation and so on. As usual she is a walking enquiry (see this blogNowhere to hide“), and I began thinking of my own cultural transgression – involvement with black people. Was it a phase? I am not now living in a black community so in that sense it was a phase, but I am not living in a white community either. So was it a phase, and does that matter?

Ultimately my history with black people ended when I finished work, and decided to retire to Thailand to seek peace, a peace I soon found there – fundamentally in isolation. In a sense this peace is “outside community”, there is limited connection to my personal history, and limited connection to the community I live in because of my limited language. It means that I must find peace in who I am and peace in nature. I question whether there is peace with people – necessary support but peace?

When she spoke of transgression it was not a word I fully understood – when I looked into it I was surprised how little I had considered it given my personal history.

First of all this analysis might fall into the arena of sankhara – over-intellectualising, because I did what I did. But the purpose of any analysis has to be to see whether my actions were conditioned. Is my cultural transgression a conditioned cultural response? That reminds me of my father who claimed I would soon grow out of my socialism. That socialism was based in compassion, and compassion is not something I could grow out of – many do.

In my family’s white middle-class suburbia I knew of only one black person; he was in school, big and he was always fighting. Now in retrospect I am not surprised given what he had to put up with, but it just invoked fear in me. I met only one black person at university. She ended up being the girlfriend of a person in the hall of residence and she wouldn’t speak to me even though her hometown was 5 miles away and that meant I wanted her as a holiday friend because we were “uni”. It didn’t happen, I suspect I said something crass – racist – when drunk. The only other image of her I have is that she was nice and quiet.

When I first started work I met a few black people but they were not in my life. I do remember an incident in which a friend said that this lady would sleep with me. To me this lady was way too powerful and overbearing. She was overbearing, American, loud black and older (early 30s), by comparison I was weak, talked only when drunk, white, shy English, and young for my age at 22. I was also very sexually immature, she obviously wasn’t. I can’t remember what I said but I thought about it and weeks later told my friend I would, and was laughed at by my friend who said this lady had moved on.

My first real encounter with black people came in my first teaching job. Between the above immature experiences and starting this job I had hit bottom – Ch 21, and had spent 30 months resurfacing on the path. In the care home I had a passion for a black houseparent but again I was scared – and she had a boyfriend. I had several passions that year, and what dominated those passions was a complete sexual immaturity; I was scared of the black woman more because she was a woman than because she was black – I think. But she was black and beautiful, which mattered more?

At school I became more familiar with black people both as students and teachers, and as one black friend took the time to educate me I unlearnt a lot of my white supremacist conditioning (in this clip (4.33) see why bell uses this terminology). At the time I was an educationalist, and did not have a full view of education in terms of the imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy. I saw education as offering the possibility of leading out the true self, and I started teaching to see if I could do that. Because it was so soon after hitting bottom, spirituality was almost singular and the priority.

Once in the school I saw how unjust the treatment of the black kids was, and they became a focus. Because I saw the institution was contributing so much to the disadvantage I began teaching in the evening in a black community education project. This brought me into contact with black educationalists outside school.

Starting on the path I was desperate for experience. Although I was fortunate to have started on the path and therefore had some wisdom, I was socially and sexually very immature. This was not helped by the alcohol-induced view that I could meet people when drinking, anomaly when I thought of myself as spiritual.

After a while that desire for experience turned to women, and I fell in love with a woman (white) – for a number of reasons this didn’t work out after maybe two years. It was then I became interested in black women forming a close non-sexual relationship with a colleague. At the time my social life was also “around” the black community, and I was then continually seeking a black woman – between the drink.

As an after-school activity I began work on a magazine through the youth centre, and being disillusioned with education I took this up full-time producing the Young Journal. In my mind it was a magazine that could present the creative talents of black youth – without being focussed on music and hair. The content however was driven by the young people who came across the magazine so my bias doesn’t show in it.

Towards the end of the 3rd issue I started my tempestuous relationship with a black woman that lasted two and a half years and disrupted my life. This love ended the magazine and I was in Brighton working and trying to survive the relationship. With the magazine I had met people, mainly Africans, who put meat on the bones of my understanding of imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy – with limited emphasis on patriarchy. My understanding became far more international in perspective, and was evident in the political life I turned to. My time in Brighton was dominated by my love, the failed relationship and its aftermath, and I left for Africa. One friend gave me a nudge and a wink saying that once I had tasted chocolate … I don’t know but by then I was 40.

This friend might have been correct but in my mind there was experience and reasons for leaving Brighton with its relationship and aftermath. I had experienced black family life. Whilst in the relationship I had made my drinking far worse – because of my weakness, the particular black woman and her family, but in part I had enjoyed living with this black woman; she was the first woman I had lived with – when younger I had fallen in love but I was too independent to live with her.

So this brought me to dabbling in Africa. For half the men on the teaching programme relationships with black women became the focus of living there, for others it was travel; as were many, women and travel became my focus. However by then I was not drinking so women and travel were not enough, I did an M Ed, mid-life review and moved towards Buddhism.

But I dabbled with African women living with me – on and off for nearly 7 years, and because of their cultural upbringing this worked well 90% of the time and the other 10% was tumult. Although one time I was close, I never fell in love in Southern Africa, and moved away from Africa to private schools to try to get a pension. Once I left Southern Africa there were never any further relationships with women, although 5 years later I returned to West Africa to teach. Once I finished with that contract black people have been a rarity in my life.

So was all this transgression? On reflection I have always thought of my gender-type as “white man attracted to black women”; after the time I fell in love near 30, I have never had a relationship with a white woman. This is why it could be a gender-type so I think of it as more than transgression. But is it?

For 12 years I have lived alone in a country of beautiful women. I came here thinking that relationship could occur through religion, but there hasn’t been a glimpse. For 7 years after Southern Africa I wanted only meaningful long-term relationships, and it became clear that could only happen if I lived somewhere. But it hasn’t happened where I live. In my last job I enjoyed working with black people and the students although the school situation was horrendous – and that had some cultural origins.

Am I any nearer answering the transgression question? To begin with I thought no but now I feel I am. At the time of hitting bottom I had rejected conditioning but I was still conditioned. This meant that transgression was still part of my privileged conditioning. I felt that I had the right to go out there and experience. It was never my intention to return to the privileged background that bell refers to, but there was still the privilege that I felt I had the right to go out and experience.

But one can’t ignore the fact that this is also nature’s path – young people going out and experiencing, getting old, reflecting and finding peace. But there is no doubt that I benefitted from privileged conditioning. I should also note that I was so immature that I was 40 before my desire for experience risked the world. In a way this was good because by then I knew enough of myself to be self-reliant instead of seeking solely from the community.

Cultural transgression is a conditioned response. Privilege entitles people to move out and experience the different, and once they have had a few knocks, return home and count the pennies. This is similar to nature’s conditioning. The young person leaves home gets some experience, and then returns to the womb-community recreating the family culture for a new generation. When I consider my early adult life in London, I think of people exploring – the 60s and aftermath, yet these people have turned back to their womb-community, and in Brexit voted with community. Emotionally that feels like a betrayal, but backs up bell’s view of transgression.

Sometimes social conditioning and natural conditioning combine and it is difficult to discern. One can never be absolutely certain where the boundaries lie, but it is good to investigate – learning that includes learning about our conditioning is the purpose. Thank you again, bell, for the spur to enquiry.

Below:- bell hooks gave a talk on Cultural Criticism and Transformation, and there are 8 parts to the talk. Unfortunately part 7 is considered unsuitable by youtube so you can’t find it. Part 8 starts on about rap music, and then about half-way through this clip she discusses the transgression of white people “getting into rap”.

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Nowhere to Hide

Posted: 25/05/2018 by zandtao in Struggle
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I have been doing some light listening in the car – bell hooks, and it is excellent. I am MAWP so I am part of the imperialist white supremacist patriarchal system that she continually questions. When you listen to her you have to question what you are doing about race, and I have been complacent about that. Partly that complacency stems from living with black women who looked to me for knowledge on the struggles of black people, partly that complacency comes from things like the Young Journal, partly that complacency comes from learning from Ndeh and Omwody, and partly that complacency comes from being MAWP and knowing that whenever I want I can hide from the results of MAWPs. I can hide within the very imperialist white supremacist patriarchal system I hate. I have no skin that prevents me from hiding.

I compare bell with how I felt about Krishnamurti. When I was about 30 I spent a few years attending the Krishnamurti gatherings at Brockwood park. At that time I was focussed on spirituality trying to come to terms with my understanding, and I would listen as he would say empty your contents of consciousness. I would internally scream at him that I am trying to come to terms with understanding and yet you tell me empty. It was a permanent spiritual revolution, and needed.

Listening to bell is a permanent societal revolution, everything has to be questioned because it is imperialist white supremacist patriarchal. As a MAWP I am not going to have conflict because it is MAWPs who are the problem – apart from the 1% of which MAWPs are their foremen.

It is the state of permanent revolution which is the end of addiction to self Ch 22, it is permanent revolution that ends conditioning, it is permanent revolution that is the practice of Ch 23, and it is permanent revolution that is the pathtivism that I put forward in Ch 24:-

Listening to bell is comfortable because it unhinges any attachment I might have. If I am not agreeing with her – maybe thinking she goes too far, I can stop myself and say that is addiction to conditioning – and let it go.

She makes me evaluate class. That in itself is a good thing. Class is Marxist and therefore MAWP no matter how much socialists argue – ask Russell Means about Europeans. But at the same time the 99% are exploited and provided Gaia is happy somehow working for Unity against the 1% has to underpin the permanent non-violent revolution – unless it becomes legitimately violent and that is very very unlikely as realistically there will never be that level of consciousness amongst the 99%. Working with black comrades in a state of permanent revolution means constant deep listening as each new turn shows how MAWP I am, and how unintentionally I perpetuate the imperialist white supremacist patriarchal system simply by having the conditioning. This deep listening is of course completely liberating no matter how much my ego screams that I have much to offer.

I should think seriously about how to add permanent revolution to the practice of the Treatise. Will I wait and see if Holybooks comes through?

I know bell is Buddhist but she talks much of desire – and there was self esteem that I questioned. I have mixed reactions to her occasional focus on black women fulfilling their sexual desire. On the one hand it is a celebration of self-realisation but on the other it is indulging desire, and attachment to desire is addiction to self – and is therefore not following the path. Following the path is permanent revolution but most don’t have the awareness to follow the path; such celebration of self-realisation is an intermediary step.

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Love and Self-esteem

Posted: 19/05/2018 by zandtao in Insight, Struggle
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In the car I have been listening to bell hooks, such an interesting writer. I have downloaded a series of audios on bell hooks – it is readings from several of her books. I had to check the USB because I wasn’t sure even though what was being said sounded like her. But there is a problem, unlike Russell’s conversation podcasts there is too much content for when I am driving.

But it is about love and self-esteem, and she said “go back to your childhood”. This is a strategy I like, and on love and self-esteem again I feel incredibly lucky. I have to assume as context what I have described in the , in this case especially Ch 21 – My Path. I am unwilling to be specific about my home as my mother would not have liked it, but I can describe it in general as I have in being middleclassed as described in the chapter on My Path. Characteristics of being middleclassed are emotional repression and a focus on education leading to house car and education for children. As I have said previously, from my upbringing I emerged middleclassed but, significantly, relatively undamaged and with sufficient bits of paper for passports into life. When I look around this is more than I could have asked for.

In terms of self-esteem being middleclassed makes it easy to understand. I had the arrogance of academic success and as the middleclass straitjacket only really measured this my self-esteem was well intact.

As for love, self-love and other issues that Bell discusses, in my childhood these were de rigueur. In middle-class homes there was love but it was not expressed as emotion, passion; it was expressed as the straitjacket. The first thing I did when I hit bottom was to run back to the straitjacket, this is what being middleclassed provided. When I went to uni I questioned this straitjacket because I was beginning to remove it, but now I don’t – it was a comfort. I cannot advocate the middleclassed home but all-in-all it served me well.

With regards to teen and young adult relationships I was incredibly shy and awkward – undoubtedly in part a product of being middleclassed. In my early teens I dropped opportunities for relationship learning until I left new possibilities behind as too difficult. At uni I was drunk and most undesirable. At these times wanting a relationship was a conditioned thing, it was expected to have one; the “alpha males” I looked up to at that time flitted through relationships (people I later derided as Martin Smoothchatter). I say this in part was due to my being middleclassed but I also feel the path saved me – no idea how the path did it. I can think back to times where my awkwardness prevented me from relating to some wonderful women, but women who that underdeveloped self would have adored and left that adoring self very distant from the path.

In terms of self-esteem I had that in spades because all that mattered was education. Self-love never rose at that time because I so identified with the self-esteem of academic success. But then came the upheaval that started me on the path (again I refer you to Ch 21 for details). As path is unconditional love, this of course changed everything – including with regards to relationship. I became the wandering compassion at the time confused in terms of conscious awareness, but driven by path I was just learning. To begin with love of an other wasn’t the priority although the conditioning to have a relationship was there, I still had the conditioning of the cosmic love of an other. This conditioning confused me especially as in terms of the world I was so immature but the path priority drove me through the conditioning; I still had my awkwardness that prevented formation of relationships.

Once I settled into teaching a self formed. This self was based in the path, I knew who I was and relationships happened because of who I was – the self that the path had formed. There were two women I loved, and they are important in understanding the love that is now me – now part of my path. My first love happened when the woman was still in a relationship. You have to remember that I was immature and did not understand the world. The three of us spoke about this love, my lover’s relationship fizzled out, and this erstwhile lover who I thought was a friend didn’t want to know me – I am sorry it was my immaturity. There were further barriers on my lover’s part in this love, and by the time she really started to respond to my love my love was waning. And my path and independence took over until the relationship petered out and she left London.

My second love was an absolutely intense disaster that I described as worse than Peyton Place. I deeply loved this woman and I got absolutely hammered by pain. By the end of the relationship of nearly three years I was very much an alcoholic – the relationship did not cause the drug dependency but made it worse, much worse. When we separated she still agreed to see me, but very rarely and that petered out after a further 2 or 3 years.

With both of these I had deeply loved an other, but neither lasted a lifetime. Love however did. I had experienced love and that experience meant I knew love, love was always there. And that love can best be described by this Eckhart Tolle meme:-

It was only when I was mature (since retirement) did I realise that I was grateful for how I came to know love. The pain of the second love had been internalised and lasted a long time. Maybe 8 years after the start of that relationship I was in Nyanga and managed to dig out a significant part of that pain, relived it and let it go. And then maybe three years ago I finally came to the realisation that I had loved, love was in me and that I was grateful for the women I had loved – especially the second one.

To return to Bell’s books. I never really had self love. Because I started on the path so young, there was the love that belonged to the path. The path and conditioning and lust took me into relationships (2 significant loving ones) – my path had not matured enough to go beyond this conditioning; remember, this is how I describe path:-

I never loved when I was still relating to self-esteem. When that self-esteem blew up in the upheaval there was path, I never had to love myself as Bell describes. Path is unconditioned love, to think about loving it is a dichotomy that just doesn’t apply. I developed a love of others, but the love of self didn’t apply because the path was beyond self – anatta – no-self. I can relate to the love Eckhart describes but Bell’s descriptions are based in self and in terms of love I bypassed that self mostly – I of course had self in other ways as described in Ch22 on addiction.

The following is speculation as I did not experience it. I want to try and relate to what Bell says – as she is my feminist guide. Because I was middleclassed I grew up with self-esteem but I was completely awkward – lacking in any self-esteem in terms of relationships. My conditioning turned me to drink at uni, and relationships became secondary. I had many passions, a combination of conditioning and intellectual constructs that I should love, and occasional near misses where I was lucky that my awkwardness did not allow adoration. And then came the path. I never needed self-love because I had the path. Self-love conceivably is a stage before anatta. Many never move to anatta, and self-love is an important instinct for survival as Bell describes. For me this is conjecture.

Because I loved, once the pain had passed there was conscious love in me; love that was always there emerged without much pain – intense pain for a short time.

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