Having recognised that in my following the path there has been two childhoods, there has to be a recognition of implications.

I have described these childhoods as system and spiritual. We could describe the system upbringing as conditioning, education or miseducation, and likewise for spiritual. Firstly let me state that these childhoods did not follow one from the other but ran in a sense in parallel. However hitting bottom and following the path was primarily although not exclusively concerned with the system conditioning …. in my case.

Even though I describe the consequence in spiritual terms – following the path, awareness of the process at the time was concerned with systemic education. It was based on the rejection of academia and the rejection of the world of work that academia had led me into. But immediately I rejected the academia, I began to follow a spiritual path. Following the path led to experiences, led to consideration of what spiritual life meant, and led to a removing of systemic conditioning or moving beyond systemic conditioning – mostly.

In this blog I discussed two conditionings perceiving difference between East and West. Yet I also say in the blog that there is only one conditioning, that the systemic conditioning is contained within the spiritual conditioning. In spiritual terms (Buddhist) attachments, to desire – greed – and a false theory – the 1%-system, create a miseducation that conditions us into the way of life the system offers – that benefits the 1%. Included within these attachments are intellectual adherence to academic knowledge and an acceptance that we should compete for more money as a rationale for working. Yet this is not all that is in our upbringing. Whilst I consider this as miseducation, this upbringing as education teaches us organisation and basics without which we could not function in any society. But why our education should teach us to function within a 1%-capitalist-system is purely a matter of exploitation – conditioning and miseducation, and is not concerned with our human development in society or spiritually – compassion.

It is important to see how instinct fits into this conditioning. Instinct is nature’s survival, we cling to our mothers, we have a procreational instinct, and generally have survival instincts. Over time these instincts fall out of necessary use, or at least are intended to, but this does not suit the 1% who benefit from manipulating a social imbalance that propagates these instincts. Particularly the sex instinct continues far beyond its natural end integrated with socialising that connects wealth, fame, sexual imagery and exploitation.

Spiritually, what does our upbringing do? Fundamentally it creates I. Using the 5 khandas (aggregates) as that which constitutes a human, then our spiritual miseducation conditions us into attaching to these khandas, and through that attachment creating selves that during our upbringing we aggregate as I (in Buddhism this is generally discussed as anatta). Within this attachment and aggregation is an acceptance of greed and the 1%-system of war and wage-slavery.

By moving beyond our systemic upbringing, we can see the conditioning into the competitive money ethic and the world of work as a process of creating a delusion that we adhere to. By moving beyond our spiritual upbringing, we see that the conditioning that creates attachment and ultimately the self creates a delusion where we are trapped in I. By moving beyond the spiritual conditioning we can experience genuine freedom, by moving beyond the systemic conditioning we can see that this war and wage-slavery now function for the benefit of the 1%. Moving beyond systemic conditioning does not mean we then become free from spiritual conditioning, hence why I consider I had two childhoods. I described the childhoods as one following the other but after hitting bottom and starting to follow the path there was still much systemic conditioning to remove and I hadn’t really begun to think about spiritual conditioning.

What do these conditionings mean? Discussion of 1%-conditioning is common-place usually using rhetoric such as capitalist exploitation – or the like. However spiritual conditioning is rarely discussed generally except in Buddhist or similar circles. How does this esoteric discussion of anatta impact on people? Eckhart Tolle discusses the pain body regularly, this is an attachment to pain – creating a pain self that impacts on our thinking. I regularly harp on about the intellect or an intellectual self, people especially academics cling to this self, expect compliance to intellectual processes, and do not see the importance of higher mental developments (bhavana) such as insight or other benefits gained as described in Anapanasati pp79-81 [8) What is the benefit of concentration?]. The intellect through its own need to survive cannot conceive of thinking higher than its own, a typical characteristic of self. Following the path helps us understand the impact of these selves, moving beyond “spiritual” conditioning helps us to deal with these selves.

Previously in discussion I tend to have been associated with awareness of systemic conditioning – being against the 1%. In reality I am arguing against all conditioning including the conditioning by selves – that above I have called spiritual conditioning. Politically I have promoted compassion as a unifying approach (blogpost and Unity Platform), in this context compassion means freedom from suffering brought about by conditioning (the spiritual that includes systemic). Recognising two childhoods means a change to looking at conditioning rather than just the system, and even more sees the importance of compassion as a benchmark.

Finally it is interesting to consider conditioning. It is normal to perceive an agency that conditions – such as the 1%-system. The 1%-system has a clear purpose – conditioning for profit. But what is the purpose of spiritual conditioning? Who gains? It is nature’s purpose – Idapaccayata. By recognising the suffering caused by conditioning, we can enjoy the happiness that comes from moving beyond conditioning – spiritual including systemic. This is why we follow the path. Further by recognising that all conditioning is part of “spiritual” conditioning we learn how to be free of it, it is attachment – just let go. Don’t buy into it, just let go.

Books:- Treatise, Wai Zandtao Scifi, Matriellez Education.

Blogs:- Ginsukapaapdee, Matriellez.

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All of these words describe me so I am a MAWP, but I have become complacent about my MAWPness. My studies have led me to bhavana meaning mental development through more meditation. And was focussed a lot on MAWP during my first increased sitting.

It started with an encounter where a climate denier gave a plausible scientific account. Now this MAWP has always been quietly arrogant, the sort of intellectual who enjoys superiority if you get angry. Well I did get angry, and will look into that later. This MAWP was too arrogant to see that this plausible denying account was targeted at people like him, people whose intellects were arrogant enough to believe that they could see through such pseudo-science. Such pseudo-science was designed just for MAWPs because a MAWP cannot say “I don’t know enough”. He was fooled by this denial strategy.

This MAWP has a reverence for science possibly because he was not an academic success. He could not accept that doctors were imprisoned by their wage-slavery and that mainstream doctors could not advise Gerson, Byrszinski, cannabis, macrobiotics or others as an alternative to cancer without losing their jobs. His being fooled led to typically intellectual contradictions where he could accept smoking and stopping if he got cancer, whereas he could not accept people choosing not to have chemo yet not seeking alternatives. He could accept the way his own intellectual ego was being fooled but could not accept others’ intellects being fooled because he was not fooled in that way.

I was a fool because I got angry. During the increased meditation I realised my anger was coming from my path. It was an egoic anger similar to the ego that has shown with the use of the word “awakening”. I am arrogant about my following the path, and was angry that this person let himself be fooled by the denier, be fooled into thinking doctors could not be imprisoned by the system, but could not listen to my wisdom. This is a bad anger, and I am ashamed. I have commented before about egos of people on the path including my own, but it is the first time I have been angry with others because of my own path. It is such an obvious self, why did I let it get a grip? If it has reached the level of anger, I have to be much more vigilant concerning my arrogance on the path – especially when dealing with people who are liberal intellectuals.

Bhavana also asked me to look at my own racism, and this was interesting. I have felt reactions to Trevor Noah, I liked him a lot before he started the Daily Show. And these reactions are of the form “Black Daily Show”. Now it definitely is the Liberal Daily Show – appealing to Liberals, but it is the fact that I had thoughts of it as the Black Daily Show and I did not completely dismiss those thoughts. Thoughts were of the form, where are all the white males who are fighting the system? So although that is somewhat better – in that it was about fighting the system, it was still concerning race. The issue of race has changed since I became aware of it, since I became anti-racist. Because I haven’t needed to address my racism in a white racist country for 25 years – except on the edge of South Africa, I have not updated. It is part of my privilege that makes me think more white men should be on. In truth I have no idea about the balance of activism, about the quality of understanding of activists, and I have a legitimate criticism of liberalism and PC. Put all of this together, and I have to be careful of being MAWP. At the same time because of the impact of liberalism, I have to be careful of who is a comrade, and whilst there are good people going on TN I cannot expect to see too many comrades there – it is still 1%-media no matter how much liberalism is put out.

I have noted the increased use of the words “white privilege” amongst black people on liberal media, maybe generally. I had seen such usage as an extreme black reaction but I now see privilege in me – mainly because I haven’t updated; can’t update because of my lifestyle?? With the increasing representation within liberal media, I have to address the competence issue. I supported positive discrimination or affirmative action but at the time noted that this led to people with less competence in positions. I accepted that. But this was 30 years ago. How much has this changed? If I am to see those same positions with the same glasses and question competence, then I am being racist or sexist or LBGTist. Back then there was a sense of MAWP being a patron of black people, but if seen in the same way now that is racism. I must be careful of this but I cannot know because of where I live etc.

It was a shock to see my arrogance about the path becoming so much of a self to create such anger, I need to be so much more aware of this. I like and will use the terminology MAWP especially when describing the supporters of Trump – now deplorables and MAWPs (and wives); there are now no good people supporting Trump or Brexit because of all the hurt the deplorables are causing.

Books:- Treatise, Wai Zandtao Scifi, Matriellez Education.

Blogs:- Ginsukapaapdee, Matriellez.

Wage-Slaves Together

Posted: 16/09/2017 in Freedom, Struggle
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The left has also allowed itself to be divided over class. As a comrade and teacher I met “cloth-cap elitism”, I wasn’t a real worker. The attitude was the “Workers of the World Unite”, and we’ll let students and teachers tag along. Yet how often have their intellectual energies been driving forces in the movement (Note – I do not consider myself an intellectual).

With divisive terminology used over the years it is not surprising that our movement has been divided. Through our lack of activism based on sound analysis we have allowed a division that calls comrades liberals, and we have allowed identity politics to divide the movement, instead of integrate it, through failure to listen to a section of workers without jobs. Instead identity politics has been manipulated into a competition for decreasing jobs, and increased the internal colonial divide endemic in capitalism.

What is worse is that an increasing number of jobs are not considered slavery. I chose to be a teacher because I believe in the importance of education. But in all my time as a teacher I was never able to educate because of the controls of the 1%-system. Whilst I was always aware of my own wage-slavery it became so much more apparent in retirement reflecting on what a pawn I became.

The important word here is choice, how can I choose to be a slave? And the answer for most people to this question is that they do not. Because they chose they are not slaves. Yet let us examine this choice. The 1%-system allows us to choose from certain professions or careers, so our intellects feel they have made a choice. Then as intellectuals we cannot admit that we have chosen wage-slavery. To hide this error of choice these intellectuals embrace a materialist liberal lifestyle. These intellectuals/liberals develop an approach to their slavery which is acceptance, and avoid at all costs a recognition of its wage-slavery.

Added to this arrogance of choice is an additional arrogance – intellectual arrogance; for many of these people they were taught to see themselves as successes in the 1%-education-system. They were taught to feel superior to other workers who the system created as failures – engendering a different ego, the conflict between successes and failures. I personally met this adversity far too much whilst working in the mass movement.

However what has to be understood is that we are all wage-slaves. For the intellectuals they need to stop considering themselves superior, and for the “traditional workers” whose proportion of the workforce is vastly decreasing they need to stop perceiving themselves as failures in an education system that is designed to create failures.

Liberal intellectuals also need to stop perceiving “mistakes” in the system as mistakes. Much of what we see is intended, if it increases profits for the 1% it is intended. When these Liberals perceive what happens as mistakes, they are deluding themselves and effectively colluding. The traditional workers are given no choice – work for us and we will give you some money to bring up your families – the usual view of wage-slavery. But intellectuals pretend that they have choice, that they control what they do, and this is a much more effective way of enslaving. They choose their jobs, their job description has limitations, but because of their choice they accept this, and they never question. This is their boundary, their cage, their prison, but it is never perceived as such because liberals are comfortable within their cage. These boundaries are also sufficiently wide that fearful intellectuals need never confront the boundaries, and can keep their mortgages and self-esteem.

Conflict is the way out of the cage, conflict of conscience – compassion. Whistle-blowers learn of the limits of their cage, and try to tell the truth; they are currently major targets. This engenders fear in liberals so they avoid conflict. They champion safe causes that the 1% tacitly allows, and satisfy their egos with tilting at windmills.

As the mass movement we have to redefine ourselves. By limiting class descriptions in terms of the traditional worker – peasant and industrial, we have to lose because those jobs are becoming increasingly automated. We cannot accept a middle-class definition as there is no such thing, the middle-classes are simply a different type of wage-slave as many found out after the crash of 2008. We are the 99%.

A PC approach creates division. We do not repress people who disagree because that repression comes out – it has to be expressed. Language was supposed to have been the first step in educating for equality, and not jobs for liberals to enforce repression. There isn’t a future when wage-slaves are separated. There isn’t a future when one wage-slave perceives their type of slavery is better than another. There isn’t a future when we accept intellectual divisions. As wage-slaves we are comrades in the fight against the 1% even though so few of us know.

Books:- Treatise, Wai Zandtao Scifi, Matriellez Education.

Blogs:- Ginsukapaapdee, Matriellez.

Terminology Warning

Posted: 15/09/2017 in Insight
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The use of the word awakened was a mistake, there was too much ego.

Ego tricks us (me) so easily in its efforts to survive. There was a simple concept I was trying to illustrate, and that was waking up from conditioning. I specifically never use the term enlightenment, and defined the word awakened as the simple idea of waking up from conditioning. To me, and my ego, that sounded reasonable.

Yet I was aware that the word was used differently by very many people, that should have been enough to warn me off. But I got stubborn holding to my definition. But many who use the word bring the process of awakening from conditioning into disrepute, that should have been enough to stop me using the term but my ego got stubborn.

I have been recently concerned about people who have experiences associated with moving beyond conditioning. It is my view these experiences should be celebrated, and as such there is a danger of ego. I risked that because these experiences were so important and pointers to a better way of life beyond conditioning.

I was aware of ego dangers but still fell in.

I am going to change terminology to a much more neutral description. After I hit bottom I started following the path, my second spiritual childhood began then. After my second childhood I matured as a writer. I thought of the two childhoods as an awakening with sporadic experiences, but I now just want to describe this as following the path.

Celebrating these experiences, I follow the path.

What happens to adults, they get older and die. What happens to mature adults, they get older and die. But how is their maturity affected? This leads to the real question, how does their spiritual maturity develop?

How does a mature person develop spiritually? How does a person following the path develop?

Books:- Treatise, Wai Zandtao Scifi, Matriellez Education.

Blogs:- Ginsukapaapdee, Matriellez.


I am a member of the compassionate left. Whilst I am not the only such member there is no such organisation. I am compassionate first, for me being compassionate makes me accept the compassionate economic analysis of Marxism. Because I am compassionate I wish to see all people free from suffering, and politically there are no doubts that I must stand on the left, on a left which is against the 1%, against war, and against wage-slavery.

Recently the left has been losing the propaganda war. Funding manipulations on the internet have left many people describing my life-long scourge – wishy-washy liberals – as left. This irritates me. If I start using terms like compassionate – liberals of course call themselves compassionate, hard-line leftist theorists will say that I have let in these wishy-washies. They would say “hold to a contemporary radical Marxist position” as a means of distinguishing from Liberals. Yet a clear compassionate view that includes contemporary radical Marxism distinguishes me from Liberals.

In this context it is worth considering what a Liberal is. Liberals are intellectuals, often what my comrades used to call armchair socialists, who are vaguely caring and vaguely socialist. And by “vaguely” I mean that when it comes to the crunch, if it is a choice between mortgage and socialism liberals will always choose mortgage, and the underlying fear and greed that marks a Liberal can lead them to vote with the right wing especially as they get older. The Liberal agenda varies over time, currently it is wrapped up in identity politics. This identity agenda dominates the façade of liberal media in the West, a media which is increasing the division of the 99% – and this fact of division shows who is controlling the media, 1%.

One of the failures of the left in my lifetime has been the inability of the left to unite. Primarily this is because of intellectualism dominating the left-wing. During my limited activism this left-wing has split itself over intellectual differences concerning Marxism. As a UK activist in the 80s left-wing politics was divided intellectually, hatred of other Marxists dominated – Commies vs Trots. At the time I was pulled to communism where I obtained an excellent Marxist education, but saw the lunacy of their positions. At the time women were still patronised because “Marxists” decided women should not “go down the mines”. And their major attack on the Trots was that they divided the mass movement (which they did) yet in the UK there were 3 communist parties with a total of 5000 people!! So the left is comprised of commies, trots, some of the labour movement and wishy-washy liberals – not the mass movement, is there any wonder that there were right victories in Trump and Brexit?

One of the main reasons that the left is not attracting 99% support is the fact that they don’t listen. These activists are deeply immersed in their activism of promoting the “mass movement”, but they don’t listen to the mass movement because of “recruiting”. A caring person is drawn to political activism and is immediately assailed by factions recruiting for their own brand of Marxism. This intellectual activism is so destructive, and can lose caring activists. The point of Marxist correctness is not that it is intellectually correct but that his analysis supports the compassionate approach that frees all people from suffering, from the 1%, from war and from wage-slavery.

Significant amongst the hard-line Marxists is the notion of revolution. Whilst there is no doubt that the 1% will never relinquish power through the ballot box as they control propaganda globally through the wider media (inc internet), it is only intellectualism that can call for revolution at this stage. Look at the Vanguard in Russia. They started a revolution in which many people died because of capitalist reaction, yet because the people were not “ready” the USSR never moved beyond the dictatorship of the proletariat that eventually stagnated and led to oligarchy. Is this a century of progress? Whilst revolution might well be the only way to dispossess the 1% now, to call for such at the moment is only calling for a futile death of the mass movement. When the revolution might be “ready”, who knows?

Compassion also has a broader appeal. In the West Christianity is the dominant religion yet traditional Christianity votes with the right wing. In Brazil and elsewhere in Latin America there is the tradition of Christian compassion epitomised by Paolo Friere, but in the West the Christian tradition is voting with right-wing thugs. Why aren’t they voting with the compassionate left? Propaganda, not Christian compassionate analysis. This incongruous voting pattern is made far easier by left-wing intellectuals who promote hard-line theories, dismiss religious experience as an opiate, and do not listen to where people are coming from.

Sanders and Corbyn have got to be the great left-wing hopes. Whilst Corbyn’s roots were in the Trotskyist Left, his approach is that of compassion and listening distinguishing him from his erstwhile comrade theorists. Grass roots activist throughout the movement might themselves hold to theories but their success is based on their ability to listen to the mass movement, show compassion and adapt to what they hear. Corbyn does this, I assume Sanders does too.

Clearly the political objective has got to be uniting the 99% against the 1%. Some of Trump’s right-wing rhetoric appropriates the anti-1% dogma, but for some of his supporters their vote was only a “hail Mary” approach – now patently not a touchdown. A compassionate left would have listened to those people, you cannot unite the 99% by not listening to them. If you listen to them they will listen to you. If you don’t try to sell them a “recruitment” line but try to work with them in the interests of the mass movement, maybe there can be some unity. If the dominant approach of the mass movement is compassionate listening activism, then there is a chance of unifying the 99%.

Make compassion a benchmark for activism and voting.

Books:- Treatise, Wai Zandtao Scifi, Matriellez Education.

Blogs:- Ginsukapaapdee, Matriellez.

When I was writing the last blog I was conscious of the word conditioning. In Buddhism there are causes and conditions often associated with the teaching of Dependent Origination. In the West conditioning is much more associated with indoctrination, yet in the West we also have the dual educational understanding that there is a need for education and there is education as indoctrination. Going beyond conditioning means only having the positive aspects of these processes.

Let me begin with Buddhism. Buddhism tends not to examine the political aspects of what is. For example the first of the 4 Noble Truths is that there is suffering; it then goes on to say that there is an end to suffering by not clinging to desire and describes the 8-fold path as a way to do this. But clearly part of that suffering is caused by the political situation, it is not simply clinging to lust, for example – an important problem nevertheless. Buddhism talks about the Unconditioned and the conditioned as that which is not unconditioned so conditioning is far more than political indoctrination. It is seen as far more than education for wage-slavery for example.

For me attachment is key to understanding conditioning in Buddhism. Here I will talk of the 5 khandas – rupa-body, vedana – feelings, sanna – perceptions and memories, sankhara – mental formations, vinnana – consciousness. Without some khandas there is no human being but if we identify with these khandas then we are not true. There is no anatta, no insight, just conditioning that comes from this identification. This atta-self-identification tends to be the dogmatic approach of Buddhism in describing conditioning. Within this identification is all the conditioning that the West tends to discuss such as conditioning to wage-slavery, but there tends not to be the same emotional reaction when we say we are not attached to the 5 khandas as there is to being educated as wage-slaves.

Instinct arises as part of these 5 khandas, and instinct is necessary. Instinct is nature’s way of survival when human consciousness has not developed. But at some point we must let go of the mother’s breast or we are clinging. Instinct falls away when consciousness arises but consciousness can attach to instinct if we are not aware. Instinct is natural in its place as are the khandas, it is not natural to create selves – to create the self, I.

However being attached to the 5 khandas says far more. There is a tendency not to see the positive value of education when there is so much indoctrination and educating for wage-slavery. Yet education does teach organisation and necessary basic skills needed to survive such as language. Another way of describing this basic education is that we would be educating for the 5 khandas without attachment – necessities. But conditioning creates attachment, and we then have the conditioning that is more associated with what the west describes as conditioning.

But the western view of conditioning is limited because it does not see the conditioning that is the identification with these khandas as self. The standard western response to conditioning is dichotomy. There are those who accept conditioning and those who reject. This tends to be fought out on an outer level in which political systems are counterposed. For example Marxists use his theories to show how the 1% are exploiting working people through wage-slavery. But those same Marxists do not see the importance of self as being attached to the 5 khandas as they themselves are attached to the political theory that is part of sankhara. The revolution that comes from awakening by moving beyond all conditioning (including self) is the revolution that is permanent, within that permanent revolution would of course be the compassion that rejects wage-slavery and demands an end to all wars.

Moving beyond conditioning is awakening and anicca, western conditioning is still self – not anatta and is only temporary.

Books:- Treatise, Wai Zandtao Scifi, Matriellez Education.

Blogs:- Ginsukapaapdee, Matriellez.

Terminology Warning – awakening


Recently I have begun to consider my awakening again, and it has left me completely re-evaluating my life. Now I understand I am a writer whereas previously I have seen myself as a teacher, similar but distinct purposes. This was discussed fully in the awakening section of my mid-life review.

My first childhood was the conditioning childhood we all go through to a greater or lesser extent – conditioning by family, conditioning by school, community and society. For me this conditioning was so repressive – dukkha – with no conscious pain, that it led to hitting bottom and the beginning of an awakening. But at that stage I wasn’t mature, and it took a second unconditioned childhood to come to terms with the inimical environment this part-awakening put me in. It was necessary for me to grow in this unconditioned environment before the awakening could be considered in some way complete – and that I am seeing as a spiritual or unconditioned childhood.

I describe the environment as inimical, it is worthwhile to consider why. Throughout this second childhood my awareness was based on an awakening that had seen through the systemic conditioning – the part-awakening. But whoever you are you live within conditioning – even in communes there is only less conditioning. And the primary means of maintaining that conditioning is wage-slavery, the need for money. After a couple of years my awakened compassion saw teaching as a vocation, my motivations for teaching were based in compassion. However teaching is an important part of the conditioned 1%-system, education is conditioning. And to make sure that you continue that conditioning process a teacher is controlled as a wage-slave – for details of that control see Matriellez.

Here was my situation. Through part-awakening compassion had chosen education, but education is a lynch-pin of conditioning. The awakening process has to be concerned with removing conditioning yet I had chosen a central conditioning environment – education; this was inimical.

Unfortunately I chose to cope with this enmity by turning to drink effectively slowing down the awakening process. Once I stopped drinking life pushed me into travel and working internationally. Whilst still being a wage-slave being in other cultures had less conditioning as you were physically detached. Being in Africa for a few years led to a completion of the awakening as discussed in the mid-life review until I eventually removed myself from the conditioned environment as much as I possibly could now being a writer with sufficient personal income from teacher pensions.

I have a good deal of control of my life now. Through awakening there is no conditioning, and through survival means (income) I can live a mostly unconditioned life – an awakened life – a mature life.

This reframing of my life as two childhoods is significant, because it removes incongruities from my awakening. There were questions that crossed my mind, how can a drunk be awake? How can awakening not be a conscious process? During the second childhood following the Path was an act of surrender but there was always some conscious awareness of being on the Path, and the need to change to start following again. Compassion chose education yet how can an awake person work as a slave and be truly awake? My teaching life was one conflict after another as I attempted to stand up for genuine education. How can I be a teacher when I don’t choose what I teach? How can an awakened person not have sila? It took retirement for me to see that I lacked silamy first blogs. How can an awakened person not take care of their body? It took retirement for me to begin my natural health. These are all decisions of a mature person, decisions that are hard if not impossible to be made in the conditioned environment of wage-slavery.

I developed into being a writer, it was an involuntary Path. I might well have developed into a teacher by choosing what I taught but I never made a decision to do that. I began writing in two ways. Firstly I wrote to expunge myself of the teacher-slavery and in some way help contribute to what might be genuine natural education – Matriellez. But I also wrote as I learned more about Buddhism – blogs. But at the same time I was writing me – firstly as the Treatise and then the novels. As I come to terms with what my awakening has been, I am writing – not teaching.

Awakening is so important, it means being completely independent of any conditioning – moving beyond conditioning. Undoubtedly there are people in this world who just develop “beyond conditioning” – Ajaan Buddhadasa. Especially in the West this process of awakening is going to be associated with dukkha. Conditioning creates pain, in my case the pain of repression, and my awakening started when I rejected all that conditioning and what that conditioning had in store for me. But I was still immature, and it took a second childhood to mature. This awakening process need not be an instant. Here is Eckhart Tolle’s instant in detail:-

“One night not long after my twenty-ninth birthday, I woke up in the early hours with a feeling of absolute dread. I had woken up with such a feeling many times before, but this time it was more intense than it had ever been. The silence of the night, the vague outlines of the furniture in the dark room, the distant noise of a passing train – everything felt so alien, so hostile, and so utterly meaningless that it created in me a deep loathing of the world. The most loathsome thing of all, however, was my own existence. What was the point in continuing to live with this burden of misery? Why carry on with this continuous struggle? I could feel that a deep longing for annihilation, for nonexistence, was now becoming much stronger than the instinctive desire to continue to live.
“I cannot live with myself any longer.” This was the thought that kept repeating itself in my mind. Then suddenly I became aware of what a peculiar thought it was. `Am I one or two? If I cannot live with myself, there must be two of me: the `I’ and the `self’ that `I’ cannot live with.” “Maybe,” I thought, “only one of them is real.”
I was so stunned by this strange realization that my mind stopped. I was fully conscious, but there were no more thoughts. Then I felt drawn into what seemed like a vortex of energy. It was a slow movement at first and then accelerated. I was gripped by an intense fear, and my body started to shake. I heard the words “resist nothing,” as if spoken inside my chest. I could feel myself being sucked into a void. It felt as if the void was inside myself rather than outside. Suddenly, there was no more fear, and I let myself fall into that void. I have no recollection of what happened after that.”
Introduction to Power of Now.

The 5 Gateways movie also discusses awakening instants.

I know little of the spiritual game, there is a whole industry of teachers and charlatans. There is a whole industry based on aspirations – desire for awakening and learning, but are the people involved always genuine? It is hard to tell because in this inimical world awakened people are forced to find money. I consider Eckhart genuine – as far as I can know. Money has come to him from doing what his awakening decided – spiritual teaching, he appears independent. Are all such teachers independent? Are the interests of the spiritual writers the same as those of the publishers? Before I became concerned with his transcendence beyond conditioning, I followed Brad Warner quite closely; whilst I consider he was genuine (within the transcendence concern) he was always battling with survival to be independent; mostly I think he achieved independence.

Awakening is so important, hold onto it. Seek validation – creative people are good sources of this. Genuine creativity has an awakening but it has not matured. Such awakened people are usually involved in survival issues. They are also in the process of fully awakening, as partial awakenings can be seen in the lack of sila – moral integrity. Genuine spirituality can be a source of validation but my limited contact with spirituality is that much is about dogma and not experience. Religious institutions contain many who have started awakening but they don’t appear to be controlled by the awakened. Institutions are dominated by the same problem of all entities – the need to survive, in a financial world survival comes at a price of independence. And mature awakening must be independent.

Nature has much to offer but is there much better than awakening?

Books:- Treatise, Wai Zandtao Scifi, Matriellez Education.

Blogs:- Ginsukapaapdee, Matriellez.

Misery

Posted: 03/09/2017 in Freedom, ONE planet, Struggle, War
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There seems no end to the misery. From Horizontalidad in the early 90s through the Arab Spring to Occupy (tag) throughout the world and finally OWS, there had been some hope. But the enemy, the 1%, became marked in this movement – and that scared them. So the 1% found the answer, create confusion on the internet by funding all and sundry. Now we have complete chaos, there is no clear genuine left alternative.

In this article Paul Street describes the chaos that would have ensued if Hillary had won. In the article there is a much clearer understanding of on-the-ground US neoliberal politics than anything I could offer from afar. What it definitely shows is the chaos that is now US neoliberal politics. What we now have is the 1%, 2% – a genuine left alternative, and 97% total confusion (I have no basis for the exactness of these figures).

Liberal-bashing is now the fashion amongst the right, and liberal-bleating of a defence is the current level of response. Whilst this is obvious in the US it is occurring throughout the West. The good-old Liberal Obama set the scene for the world’s current greatest humanitarian disaster by sending drones to Yemen. Trump’s alliance with Saudi has seeded the destruction, and the Liberals barely bleat. They cannot do anything about it so they don’t bleat. But if they scream and shout about LBGT toilets, maybe they can do something – and their parties are fine. This is a right-wing created issue to bait the Liberals, meanwhile the real destruction goes on across the world – War for profits in the name of Western neoliberalism.

Is there a solution? Paul talks about a genuine left alternative, but can that ever happen? Since Marx there has been a clear analysis of the source of the problems – the bourgeois 1%, yet we now have a “2%”- acceptance of this. It appears to me that acceptance of this has been on the decrease in my lifetime – not helped at all by the continual left-wing squabbling before the recent “chaos” funding. This leads to the question, can there ever be a united 99%? If we look at the chaos now, the answer seems a resounding no.

Now it is particularly bad but I wonder if the answer could ever have been yes.

To try to get at this we need to look at conditioning. If we move beyond our conditioning we do not accept the 1%-system of neoliberalism, we see that all that matters is compassion. Not, who is in charge? Not, which system do we use? But compassion, compassion for all people. If we are compassionate we don’t fight wars. If we are compassionate we don’t treat people as wage-slaves. We care for people, who they are, and who they could be if enabled. Compassion ends suffering, ends the misery our world is in because of 1%-exploitation (mostly western) and the endless façade of populism, liberal-bashing-and-bleating – neoliberalism. The world needs compassion.

A conditioned person does not put compassion first. When people hear of humanitarian disaster in Yemen, compassion is not the first response; it is conditioning. Muslims, we should protect people but …. If we send money do we look after ourselves? We are good people, our governments cannot be causing wars just for profits, there has to be something wrong with these others. All of these responses are conditioned. The first objective needs to be compassion, put compassion first and leave out the conditioning. When there is a world where compassionate response comes first, then we have a world without division, and division is what is causing the misery. If Rockefeller says we cannot have compassion because my standard of living goes down, we laugh at his greed. Do we laugh at the greed if it is said at the golf club, the country house, etc.? When we look at the poverty that exists in the desert we, right-wing and liberals, are afraid, we, right-wing and liberals, become greedy in case our standard of living is affected, the compassionate and the non-liberal left (different) say “care for them at all costs”.

So why do I differ the compassionate and the non-liberal left? The non-liberal left put their systems, their ideologies first. They are conditioned to believe in systems, that is their education, their intellectualism. As a result of this belief in systems, for years the non-liberal left has fought each other, Commies vs Trots, which version of Marxism is right etc. And whilst they fought, the 1% continued exploitation, and the misery continued – has grown? When there was some crystallisation of action through Horizontalidad and Occupy, there became the funded chaos. Because we were all still responding on a conditioned level – even if that conditioned response is against the system, it was easy to create funded chaos by attacking theories. You cannot attack unconditioned compassion except by greed and selfishness

Can we ever fight our conditioning and become an unconditioned 99% – 100%? Can we ever be a compassionate 99% – a compassionate 100%? I doubt it. Can the 99% unite behind a theory without compassion and without removing conditioning? The evidence so far is no, I think no with the theories -permanently.

But compassion and removal of conditioning is a big ask. But it is a better objective than asking for 99% to believe in a system.

But before erstwhile comrades jump down my neck, where does compassion and removal of conditioning take us? In mid-19th century it would have taken us to a Marxist analysis of the exploitation by the bourgeois, now it takes us to seeing the 1%-system in the world. But compassion does not ask “do we believe in Marxism?”, it asks “how does understanding Marx lead to compassion?” And the actions are little different, but there is not the rhetorical arguing over systems and theories. Don’t be conditioned into believing a different theory, be compassionate.

Remove conditioning, make our first response compassion globally, have Unity through forgetting our theories.

Or have the misery that is continuing.

When we act with compassion there are no wars, there is no slavery.

Books:- Treatise, Wai Zandtao Scifi, Matriellez Education.

Blogs:- Ginsukapaapdee, Matriellez.

Terminology Warning – awakening

I have just placed Chiswick in my life’s context and timeline, the experiences of that bedsit were the genuine awakening. The total awakening was hitting bottom, running home but not really progressing, returning to Chiswick where the process completed and gave me the real awakening.

I had no idea what was happening to me. I was completely immature as a person by society’s standards, and then this happened. To this day I might still be floundering (exaggeration) but I connected with the people of the Arts Centre. They were huge in my life. The connection was Wendy but how that synchronicity happened I have no idea. What I recollect is people ratifying my experience, and while I was wandering around questioning all around me seeking new experience in life they were ratifying this. They were saying this is what should be done in life. After years of academia, then a short time in the rat race, and even after hitting bottom hiding myself in the Hounslow cubicle, all of this was conditioning – what the 1%-system wants you to do, but it all had so little meaning – other than paying for what mattered. The meaning was the “guys in the Chiswick bedsit”, but to know this was the meaning I had to be told by the Arts people. The meaning was not the system but the creativity of the writing and the compassion of the Mongol kids on Chiswick Common (?).

I am so happy that my memory has placed the timeline in order because it highlights the importance of these people. From Eckhart’s account of his awakening, there was a limbo “I knew, of course, that something profoundly significant had happened to me, but I didn’t understand it at all.” I can’t say I understand it now, it just is, but without these people ratifying it I would have just been a fish out of water forcing myself to sit in my Hounslow cubicle and going home to “the guys”. They made me give meaning to my life. As I said in my last blogpost I became a teacher and the creativity went on a back burner – coming out at times but mostly now. My creativity was not active so eventually I lost touch with the people, and I now feel a sadness about that.

But people affirming the experiences – the presence – this is so important.

Buddhism doesn’t do it for the experiences. A few years later I got into searching spiritual stuff with theosophy. All very interesting. But these people were not celebrating the experiences – the presence – the muse. It was a church. They were nice people who could talk the theory but in no way were they there to celebrate experience. I touched Buddhism but that was also drab. There was an excitement about having been fortunate to experience this awakening, but apart from the Arts Centre the spiritual people were not exciting. Somehow that is wrong. There ought to be a club where people go to celebrate these experiences but that would be all too easy. Instead we wander around the globe looking to touch base with each other whenever possible.

Now I see the importance of the Buddha’s teachings, I see the need for detachment. But back then it would have made no sense. In the end my addiction to the booze gave me some sort of excitement – I am lucky I wasn’t attracted to worse drugs. And by 36 I had come sufficiently to terms with how I could live having had these experiences, I was able to stop the booze – although that wasn’t the rationale.

Because the majority of “successful” people have no idea what this blogpost – experience – is about, so much human potential is lost. Such experiences are ridiculed if not worse. Maybe it is possible to go out East and find places where such are valued. I am out East, deeply value the experience, but have never had such validated here.

Instead it has all helped me learn to live alone, to love nature, and be thankful for what I’ve got. There is a deep frustration that people are not listening, but are they listening to Eckhart? Can they hear?

Eckhart said “It wasn’t until several years later, after I had read spiritual texts and spent time with spiritual teachers, that I realized that what everybody was looking for had already happened to me.” Can this happen to everyone? I don’t know. This is the problem with spirituality, people listening to Eckhart want it to happen, people following gurus want it to happen, but can it? This is the detachment of Buddhism, it can’t happen unless you are detached. I had no clue what was going on, it wasn’t something I wanted – it was something I couldn’t control. It happened. I could not teach someone to be in the situation I was in at the time.

I always push meditation as a way forward, meditation can clear the mind, meditation can free the consciousness. Does that lead to experience? Don’t know. Does it lead to a better life? Certainly – maybe the rest will happen. Looking for the experience is a dead end. They are worth it, I am not sure that all the despair and ignorance that goes with it is.

But the real point of this blogpost is to offer succour. Have you experienced such things? Talk about them, get them validated. Seek out people they have happened to. It is important to know they are real.

Beware of spirituality. There are many charlatans, and many followers who will say anything – usually because they want to believe, want to experience.

Non-dogmatic Buddhism is the best guide I have found, but finding what is not dogmatic in Buddhism is difficult.

Few read this blog. If you want to talk about your experiences contact me.

Books:- Treatise, Wai Zandtao Scifi, Matriellez Education.

Blogs:- Ginsukapaapdee, Matriellez.

Terminology Warning – awakening

I have been re-engaging with Eckhart Tolle, someone who has greatly helped in the past. I like him because of his apparent lack of dogma, and his similarity of early experience as described in Power of Now (see below).

I re-engaged with him because I was examining pain, and in this talk he speaks of his dogma coming from Buddhism. That statement in itself now says little to me because there are many appeals to Buddhism, and as Eckhart also points out the mind has complicated what is Buddhism – sankhara or as Ajaan Buddhadasa says concocting or proliferations.

I am absolutely certain that Eckhart Tolle is talking beyond dogma, but in doing so he creates his own dogma. But the difference with his dogma is that for him it was insight – personal assessment. In other words Eckhart has moved beyond dogma, come up with his own insights, and then applied his own framework to where he has gone. So for him it is Buddhism that is beyond the dogma of Buddhism. Yet for others it is still dogma.

This paradox of the last sentence illustrates that there is a huge problem in all of this, communication – explaining. Once you move beyond dogma, language is a great limitation because language is the métier of dogma – it is the tool of sankhara. The only way that language has meaning beyond dogma is that if the experience is somehow shared.

Below I have copied Eckhart’s experience, and I want to compare. First I want to explain why. These experiences, awakenings connected to jhanas, are so important, and treated as non-existent by the intellectual establishment – by the intellect. I have only just begun to re-celebrate my own experience mainly through consideration of the 5 Gateways movie – if these experiences interest you listen to the people describe their experiences in the movie. Whilst Buddhism talks of these experiences through jhanas there is a sense of belittlement of them possibly because of institutionalism, the dogma of detachment or maybe simply some monks don’t have such experiences. I don’t know.

But these experiences are so important if placed in life’s context.

My experience was not one full-blown awakening as Eckhart describes his and that was primarily because of the booze. Because of the booze I describe my despair as “hitting bottom”. I think I was not suicidal because of the booze but as my “hitting bottom” was diffused over time by the booze, fortunately there was not the same intensity – the same level of despair.

Another difference, maybe, was that my life had not been intense. My early life been totally superficial, just concerned with academia. Everything had been easy. Get up, go to school, play some football. University was just as superficial with drink thrown in. Starting work was the only form of intensity. Studying for exams had been focussed – although not too successful. But there was a real focus for the job, I had to get up go to work and do the stuff they did; I had to have discipline for something that I found meaningless. And as it went on I had to be disciplined to do the work to get money to drink. I didn’t spend my 20s in despair, I drifted around on the surface getting drunk. When I hit bottom it was like I woke up and found an inner life.

But there was another important aspect of intensity for me, after awakening I spent 13 years getting increasingly dependent on alcohol. This diffused the intensity, I even remember thinking at times that getting drunk burnt off excess energy. Coming to terms with the newfound awakening was tempered by increasingly dealing with alcoholism.

This also meant that I was in no way fit to be a spiritual teacher, I could not control my desires – addiction. But over time in this world you cannot live with the intensity, and over time I eschewed the addiction. By then I had accepted the world path of teacher, and in my personal time I occasionally wrote – although that was not frequent. But once I retired I found my own way. Getting rid of the job by writing – Matriellez, then coming to terms with how I should lead life – Treatise, blogging as a means of clearing the mind – Zandtao, Matriellez and Ginsukapaapdee, until I am now writing stories – Wai Zandtao.

His description of experience sounds so exciting:- “Then I felt drawn into what seemed like a vortex of energy. It was a slow movement at first and then accelerated. I was gripped by an intense fear, and my body started to shake. I heard the words “resist nothing,” as if spoken inside my chest. I could feel myself being sucked into a void. It felt as if the void was inside myself rather than outside. Suddenly, there was no more fear, and I let myself fall into that void. I have no recollection of what happened after that.”

Experiences occurred for me differently. Hitting bottom was obviously brought on by the booze, and booze, as I suspect all drugs – maybe not marijuana?, prevents these jhanas. Immediately following hitting bottom I ran to my parents – I was 22. As usual at my parents’ house I spent much time walking, and I remember wandering around Manchester looking at suits in a Xmas pub thinking “what is this?” Still coming to terms with what was going on I returned to London, and in my Chiswick bedsit finding these experiences happening regularly. I think I was meditating but they just came in, nothing as shattering as Eckhart but there was presence. (Added next day) Exploring memory makes things clearer. That Chiswick bedsit was far more important than the hazy recollection I have of it. It was not special. I remember cooking on a landing in a loft space, having little room but loving it. Getting up there seems almost to have been a trigger for presence. I was stuck in the cubicle of a job, escaped and wandered up and down Chiswick High Road. Then there was the bedsit. Maybe meditation triggered it, maybe just being there triggered it. Can’t remember, doesn’t matter. It happened. That Chiswick time was Eckhart’s “I spent almost two years sitting on park benches in a state of the most intense joy.”

After that initial Chiswick “reward” they settled down but have been there for much of my life. Usually they occurred late at night in bed, and suddenly this experience would well up inside me and expand. There was no light for me but it was almost like the air itself was visibly vibrating. I remember the Summer I wrote Kirramura, and I spent the days waiting for the late night where I would go to bed, lie down and just wait for “the guys” to come …. and then I wrote. It was as if such experiences were a bottleneck, they would build up and then wait for a chance to come out – a time when I was quiet or meditating. Now they are less because I am old and meditate regularly. I discussed experiences and Buddhism generally here.

Recently I heard of someone watching 5 Gateways and crying because she had something similar. I was unable to follow up. It made me realise that there is a need to celebrate such experiences because in this world such spiritual matters are belittled by academics, and such people are marginalised not celebrated.

Such great joy!!

“I had become a spiritual teacher.” During Chiswick I started writing – Martin Smoothchatter. It was a time when Arts Centre people were so important as they ratified my experience. The cubicle was never for me, and after a couple of months I started taking Mongol kids out on a Saturday morning, I had found a meaning. This compassion turned to child care and then teaching.

And why are these experiences connected with dogma. They are not, because such experience does not happen if all there is is dogma. Dogma is the refuge of the academic mind. Of its nature dogma creates restrictions, belief in a dogma or not. And if there is restriction there is no experience. This is an experience of genuine freedom, and that only occurs if what we are doing is opening doors. By the way institutions cling to dogma, there are not doors opening.

So Eckhart explains his despair, his experience and his expanding consciousness offering his insights. And he says choose to do this without going through pain and despair. Can we choose to do this without despair? Ajaan Buddhadasa did – I think he just grew up being wise and grew older getting wiser, but others? Is there a choice without pain and despair? I hope so.

    This is copied from the introduction of “The Power of Now”.

The Origin Of This Book
I have little use for the past and rarely think about it; however, I would briefly like to tell you how I came to be a spiritual teacher and how this book came into existence. Until my thirtieth year, I lived in a state of almost continuous anxiety interspersed with periods of suicidal depression. It feels now as if I am talking about some past lifetime or somebody else’s life.
One night not long after my twenty-ninth birthday, I woke up in the early hours with a feeling of absolute dread. I had woken up with such a feeling many times before, but this time it was more intense than it had ever been. The silence of the night, the vague outlines of the furniture in the dark room, the distant noise of a passing train – everything felt so alien, so hostile, and so utterly meaningless that it created in me a deep loathing of the world. The most loathsome thing of all, however, was my own existence. What was the point in continuing to live with this burden of misery? Why carry on with this continuous struggle? I could feel that a deep longing for annihilation, for nonexistence, was now becoming much stronger than the instinctive desire to continue to live.
“I cannot live with myself any longer.” This was the thought that kept repeating itself in my mind. Then suddenly I became aware of what a peculiar thought it was. `Am I one or two? If I cannot live with myself, there must be two of me: the `I’ and the `self’ that `I’ cannot live with.” “Maybe,” I thought, “only one of them is real.”
I was so stunned by this strange realization that my mind stopped. I was fully conscious, but there were no more thoughts. Then I felt drawn into what seemed like a vortex of energy. It was a slow movement at first and then accelerated. I was gripped by an intense fear, and my body started to shake. I heard the words “resist nothing,” as if spoken inside my chest. I could feel myself being sucked into a void. It felt as if the void was inside myself rather than outside. Suddenly, there was no more fear, and I let myself fall into that void. I have no recollection of what happened after that.
I was awakened by the chirping of a bird outside the window. I had never heard such a sound before. My eyes were still closed, and I saw the image of a precious diamond. Yes, if a diamond could make a sound, this is what it would be like. I opened my eyes. The first light of dawn was filtering through the curtains. Without any thought, I felt, I knew, that there is infinitely more to light than we realize. That soft luminosity filtering through the curtains was love itself. Tears came into my eyes. I got up and walked around the room. I recognized the room, and yet I knew that I had never truly seen it before. Everything was fresh and pristine, as if it had just come into existence. I picked up things, a pencil, an empty bottle, marveling at the beauty and aliveness of it all.
That day I walked around the city in utter amazement at the miracle of life on earth, as if I had just been born into this world.
For the next five months, I lived in a state of uninterrupted deep peace and bliss. After that, it diminished somewhat in intensity, or perhaps it just seemed to because it became my natural state. I could still function in the world, although I realized that nothing I ever did could possibly add anything to what I already had.
I knew, of course, that something profoundly significant had happened to me, but I didn’t understand it at all. It wasn’t until several years later, after I had read spiritual texts and spent time with spiritual teachers, that I realized that what everybody was looking for had already happened to me. I understood that the intense pressure of suffering that night must have forced my consciousness to withdraw from its identification with the unhappy and deeply fearful self, which is ultimately a fiction of the mind. This withdrawal must have been so complete that this false, suffering self immediately collapsed, just as if a plug had been pulled out of an inflatable toy. What was left then was my true nature as the ever-present I am: consciousness in its pure state prior to identification with form. Later I also learned to go into that inner timeless and deathless realm that I had originally perceived as a void and remain fully conscious. I dwelt in states of such indescribable bliss and sacredness that even the original experience I just described pales in comparison. A time came when, for a while, I was left with nothing on the physical plane. I had no relationships, no job, no home, no socially defined identity. I spent almost two years sitting on park benches in a state of the most intense joy.
But even the most beautiful experiences come and go. More fundamental, perhaps, than any experience is the undercurrent of peace that has never left me since then. Sometimes it is very strong, almost palpable, and others can feel it too. At other times, it is somewhere in the background, like a distant melody.
Later, people would occasionally come up to me and say: “I want what you have. Can you give it to me, or show me how to get it?” And I would say: “You have it already. You just can’t feel it because your mind is malting too much noise.” That answer later grew into the book that you are holding in your hands.
Before I knew it, I had an external identity again. I had become a spiritual teacher.” Power of Now Intro.

Books:- Treatise, Wai Zandtao Scifi, Matriellez Education.

Blogs:- Ginsukapaapdee, Matriellez.