What are the conditions

Posted: 02/03/2018 by zandtao in Freedom, Insight, Struggle

As I am addicted to self then I need to understand the conditions that have created the self I am addicted to.

To understand such things history is a good teacher. I was middle-classed so those were the conditions of my youth, repression, pushing for exams, sports and the like. When I went to uni I rejected most of this but that rejection took the form if drinking whilst trying to pass exams a bit. But all of that was conditioning. I followed the prescribed academic path, got a job and cracked up – tag bottom.

Coming out of bottom was a time when I had the least conditions. It was as if I was empty and starting again. There were so few conditions in my life. I needed money but had found presence. The path was all that mattered, I found people who knew about this, and it was a whole new beginning.

But then around me I built conditions, conditions of my own choosing but nevertheless conditions. I decided to work with children initially in child care and then teaching, and by the time I was teaching I had accepted the conditions of alcohol dependency. Whilst I was still moving forward on the path that dependency was also following its natural course until I stopped. There was a huge hole in my life where the drink had been, and whilst I was politically active at the time television filled the drink hole.

Then I left the UK and flew into Botswana. Stepping off the plane it was as if a huge weight had been lifted. I consider the UK a repressive society, and that was all lifted. Conditions that society imposes on you are still conditions, conditions are not only personal, and in Botswana it was again like a new birth only this time I was far more mature (into my second childhood) than the child who hit bottom.

Once in Botswana I built conditions around me. Conditions will always be built as people need food, a place to live – a home, and much more. For most people I worked with their conditions were connected with their local experiences – finding a woman and drinking dominating for many. But I did not drink, and what mattered to me in life – the path – I brought with me. I established a home, TV, going to Shashe dam, and visiting game parks in holidays; at the same time I did a distance learning Masters – it was good.

But I was beginning to establish conditions for me to live as an overseas teacher. Lacking money and fearing the oblivion I saw many long-term expats falling into in Botswana, I left after 6 years, and travel-taught for a further 7 years. In each new country I established my home with TV, and visited local places of interest – none of which matched up to Southern Africa.

Whilst in Botswana I started what I called a mid-life review which drew me to Buddhism, and soon after visited Thailand where at Wat Phra Keau I decided I was Buddhist. So in tandem with the conditions I described above I also started meditation – the beginning of freedom; I didn’t meditate in Nigeria However because every time I meditated I came up with breaking contract and running away !! I sacrificed two years in Nigeria making good money and together with inheritance I was able to retire early – although that was only a plan I formulated towards the end of the first year of a two-year contract. Since my Wat Phra Keau conversion I had travelled to Thailand for a break so Thailand became part of my conditions until eventually I moved here to live.

In Thailand I established similar conditions. I was now free to meditate, study and then write 24/7 so to begin with there was much freedom. But there was still the TV, and TV became significant in addiction to self. I have a comfortable home in rural Thailand, I get my food, pay my bills, watch TV and do the meditating study and writing as described.

So where is the self in this? I must begin with “passing time” – TV. For every minute I watch TV I am not present so why do I do it? Last night I wasted maybe 6 hours of non-presence. I get tired, I put on the TV and just veg, after a while I am not tired but am still just watching. Self.

There is more self than this. If you ask me how much meditation do I do? I say most mornings 45 minutes, and this is true. But there are phases when I do none. And when I do none I fill up with self, why do I let this happen?

Recently I have been blogging about Russell Brand podcasts. In itself this is a creative activity, I am learning and writing, but then I stopped meditating getting hooked on writing for the podcasts. This must be self but why?

LUST – censored. This is private. But any consideration of conditions must include sexual desire and its effects.

When I look at this examination of conditions and self I can feel happy, compared to others there is only a little self. But then I think why am I so feeble to allow so much self – to allow so much addiction. I have been lucky to find the path so young and what do I do with it now – addicted to self.

Inbuilt in my life has been a sense of new beginnings because my life has changed so much over the years. I have been in Thailand since June 2006, and whilst I have been forced to move because of landladies this has been upheaval rather than changing conditions. Travel often made me evaluate conditions but now I don’t travel. In a sense I am stuck in my current conditions with too much self. And I question where are the new beginnings?

<– Previous Post “Addiction” Next Post “Russell’s 1st Exercise” –>

Books:- Treatise, Wai Zandtao Scifi, Matriellez Education.

Blogs:- Ginsukapaapdee, Mandtao, Matriellez.

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