Free to feel love

Posted: 18/02/2018 by zandtao in Insight

This is the most impossible piece of writing I have attempted, how is it possible to talk of love with my analytical style of writing? Still here goes.

It began with something Russell said to Simon Amstell about control to feel love. It’s not control, it’s more no control – freedom, aaaggghh libertarians. Being free to feel love. What freedom? For me the biggest freedom is the freedom not to be vulnerable. This makes me understand some of the trauma that Russell, Simon and others felt with their early initial awakenings to the path. How awful must it have been to have the path open up inside, and to be too young to be able to express it because of parental repression. Who could recognise such a path? I still feel so fortunate that in the repressive environment I grew up in – middle-class society and middle-class education – my path hid me from such exposure.

On the path you are vulnerable, in love you are vulnerable. Because love is so important, for me it is the greatest crime that love can be exploited. All the lies around love are so criminal. For men use of the word “love” is a key to getting their end away, I hate that. For women …. ask.

When we are loving and making love we are so vulnerable, for most instead of love we end up with hurt because of the vulnerability. Or we focus on the physical. We do not know of, we have not learnt the value of this love – Gaia’s greatest gift.

I hope I am wrong but can there ever be a moment when two people feel that love, can allow themselves to be vulnerable enough with another to be love?

I do hope it is possible.

But after with the vulnerability, what repercussions?

But feeling love does not end there. I remember the “guys” when I was writing Kirramura 25 years ago. It was a Summer holiday, and by this time in my life education had taken over so most of the path was only free during the Summer holiday – I had stopped drinking by then. And I got into Kirramura. My whole day was waiting for writing, waiting for the muse, waiting for the “guys”. I knew they would come when I went to bed, and I waited the day for that.

I would go to bed and lie flat – no pillow. …. I knew I couldn’t write this ….

I am lying flat with my body full of its consciousness – a kind of daily stress, daily agitation. The agitation started to lift coming out to meet the “guys”. All this agitated consciousness started to raise, and as it rose the “guys” were there. They mixed and there was just the “guys” as my body lay flat – almost pinned to the bed. I loved this feeling of love for a while, and started writing. Eckhart would call this presence. There was emptiness, Yuval nothing there, but the whole room was so alive it just wanted to write. I was so lucky. The Winds of Kirramura came “out” that Summer, and I hadn’t written since Lidors maybe 6 or 7 years before.

I am older now I meditate and there’s no pent-up writing happening because I am much closer to my path. Writing now. The “guys” are here – just here, I don’t lie down to reach out and meet them. I don’t think I can reclaim the power of the Kirramura times.

But I am happy with the path. I can just let go and feel free to love. There is vulnerability but there is no-one there to hurt me. Sometimes during the day when I mix, I forget the armour necessary for society. But mostly I just drift out, have the necessary daily transactions and drift back again. Vulnerable a bit, but it is just simple transactions conducted pleasantly. But there are always those around who seek out vulnerability, and I am prone …. But I learn more and more to avoid them.

And the “guys” are there – I don’t have to reach out now.

<– Previous Post “Simon Amstell” Next Post “meditation not” –>

Books:- Treatise, Wai Zandtao Scifi, Matriellez Education.

Blogs:- Ginsukapaapdee, Mandtao, Matriellez.

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