Black Hole

Posted: 19/10/2015 by zandtao in Struggle
Tags: ,

Over the last few years I have become dissatisfied, and am now working on it.

Daily life has had problems because I have had trouble with landladies. Three years ago I found a place to rent in the country, and when I moved in I became completely attached. I would go out my door and see nothing but green, no other houses – no bricks, it was Green and Silent. Amidst this attachment that could have been helpful was a landlady who was a complete liar. In negotiations prior to moving in I asked her if she were going to sell, and she said that with my rent there was no need. Within a week whilst I was still moving in she had a prospective buyer at my door. After nearly two years there this prospective buyer became a buyer, and I thought that side would improve. When she became my landlady she fixed problems but increased the rent; that was OK. I wanted weather protection for the car and she insisted on a particular garage that I didn’t want – I ignored this. I had thought of buying the house but didn’t because the old landlady owned the land next to me. Soon after she sold the house she put down earth as a base for building a new house. She did this in October at the end of the rainy season. It rained after she put down the base and I could see the drainage had been affected. Anyway I had another year at Green and Silent but when the rains started the next year in June there was a flood. It did not come into the house but officially June was before the start of the rains. The old landlady just said it was her land, and the new landlady said it was my problem even though contractually it was hers. I had to move.

I was very vulnerable at that time. I had been up all night dealing with the flood, and concluded that I had to move house. Green and Silent was a dream to me as a meditator and writer, and that dream had become a nightmare because of landladies. A friend offered me a house to rent, and I accepted. She also offered to move house for me, and I accepted as it meant I had no organising to do. Both of these were a mistake. She was not a dhamma friend, and she changed once I had accepted being a tenant. This change first showed itself during the move. I gave instructions, and they were countermanded in Thai. Her instructions were not the instructions I had given her. By the end of the moving day I was very angry and grateful that the move had finished without too many problems. It turns out this acquaintance did not know the people she had brought in to move my things, and they turned out to be thieves – two months later I found a camera and tablet had been stolen. When I told her she said it was her responsibility, but her responsibility did not extend to remunerating me for the stolen items. Before I had seen the theft I had begun to distrust her, with the theft I knew I had to move.

The new house is very big but has a huge noise problem. It is on a road, and I am awoken every morning by the traffic. A few days after the move I got a stress flu. It lasted a couple of days but I rested for five. By the end of the 5 days my ears were highly sensitive because I had been in the house all day with the traffic. It made me change the way I organised the house. I had to buy a new aircon for a room at the back that I was just going to use as a store, and buy a chair so that this could be my dayroom. It is mostly quiet but there is some housebuilding nearby, and the saw is going every so often. However the room is quiet otherwise. It is on the second floor and I look out at rooftops, birds circling and Koh Chang in the distance – sadly I cannot see the sea. The house is maybe 400m from the ferry so the agaat (air) has got to be good even with the traffic. I just need to outlast the saw and get used to getting up at 7.00am – perhaps earlier. I would like to change my routine so that I got 7 hours from 11-6, but sleep is an issue. I do love the quiet of the early hours as well.

The house is workable. I have an excellent kitchen – very important to me. The ground floor is a shop so I have changed it to a kitchen, a classroom area that I am unlikely to use, a drying room and a bike store. Upstairs I have my tv room next to the road, and can sit there during the evening as the noise dies down. The back room is now OK as a study during the day, and the bedroom is on the third floor. Far too much space for me, but that is OK. Big plus 10-15 minute drive to the beach and swimming. Once the sawing stops it will be fine especially if I can come to terms with the sleep. Now what happens is that the traffic wakes me, I force myself to come down to the study, but am too tired to meditate because of the sleep problem. I do manage to start the study though but need to bring in meditation more.

As well as this daily life problem I have allowed my assessment of the internet as a black hole to affect my writing and study, I stopped blogging and I stopped work on the website. I began looking at Createspace but I haven’t followed through on that, and the writing basically stopped. I am in the process of transcribing the Ariya Sacca talks of Ajaan Buddhadasa, and as part of that I was writing my thoughts – maybe I will use those as blog entries; the transcribing will be included in the Buddhadasa page.

Occupy Wall Street happened at the time I recognised I should include more socio-political awareness in my learning of what is what. That took over too uch and I became angry. My mind would wander into my country’s war for profits and produce righteous anger. The awareness needs to be there but I have to let go of the anger. This means less on the socio=political what is what, but that is OK because I was becoming repetitive. The Bern and Corbyn are good developments, and watching if they go somehwere is worthwhile. But repetitive assessment of the way the war for profits continues to kill people is fruitless and counter-productive. I can focus on study whilt being aware of what is what socio-politically.

After retiring I was happy meditating, studying and blogging. I let this dwindle and became unhappy, if I start again maybe the happiness will come back. Whilst being a spiritual teacher is something I would like to take up if I still have enough energy, I do not make the efforts with my writing and teaching attempts to become commercialy accepted. I don’t wnat those efforts so I should be satisfied with blogging. I let my mind wander and become too big, the focus on my internet presence is enough – even if it is a black hole.

Books:- Treatise, Wai Zandtao Scifi, Matriellez Education.

Blogs:- Ginsukapaapdee, Matriellez.

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