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My meditation is shot full of holes. Thankfully it is not dead but it is writhing in agony. The onslaught began last July with the first of the two monthly flus, each flu understandably and acceptably, for me, zapping the meditation. For me flu was a hazard that was worked through and then meditation started again.
The flus were an indication of bigger problems – hormones, see tag glands. I have accepted that the hormones have changed my body and diet, but I have not altered the meditation with the change in body regulation. As such my meditation is shot full of holes, and I am not in harmony with the environment, I fell prey to the insulting Yank – and I still haven’t completely rid him from my mind despite having taken lessons from the interaction (written in my private blog). I suspect my vulnerability to Alex in December was also because of this shot meditation.
My body clock is haywire – mega-haywire. At one stage since July I resolved to make my day 10pm-6am, last night was 6am to 1pm (2 hours were a power cut problem). I tried melatonin because the body (pineal gland) delivers melatonin between 11pm and 2am, but two days ago in meditation I couldn’t focus the mind, decided it was the melatonin, and felt better for having stopped it. I haven’t rejected it out of hand as the body needs melatonin and with my sleep pattern I’m not getting any, but a pill a day is too much.
But throughout all of this meditation is erratic. With the wierd sleep pattern I cannot determine when I get up. I can force myself up for teaching but with breakfast time, leaving the house at 10.15 means getting up at the latest 8.30. So if I go to bed and sleep at 12.30 that’s OK, but that hasn’t been happening. If I force myself to go to bed even if tired, somehow I refresh and am lying there unable to sleep. Sleeping will occur often sporadic, but at 8.30 I am not refreshed, and the thought of meditation is not practical. If I discipline myself the meditation is fighting sleep and not meditating – although sitting for an hour is helpful whatever mess is going on in my head.
Previous meditation had its weaknesses although I was at peace. I wanted a 2-meditation day but it rarely happened. Meditation 1 usually happened for an hour, and then the mind and the day kick in. Routine stuff happens – usually good as I was at peace, but come the evening time for meditation 2 – well it just didn’t happen. I was not in control and the mind was chattering away; some blogging stuff or tv would start. Sometimes Med 2 happened and I would control some of the chatter but it was a discipline meditation and peace didn’t follow.
It is of course not acceptable to allow the mind in so easily but I was at peace. Maybe this hormone issue and the need to control the mind are happening from the same source – to break away from a peace that had become stagnant? I have always measured my meditation with the monastery routines but that is shallow. I need to measure meditation by its success. This has great dangers. I must not measure by the achievement of a state of mind because such an objective is restrictive, yet I have always measured it by the level of peace and harmony – the consequences of meditation.
I am not in a monastery for many reasons but primarily because a forced routine is not the Path. So why am I choosing the monastic 2Med model? Sitting an hour is good discipline, discipline has to be a part of what I do. There is another weakness I previously had with meditation, I found it difficult to meditate after eating. I have now to accept that all these routine restrictions have to stop. Meditation is about state of mind. If my mind is messed up I must meditate. I have to start accepting meditation at all hours, ignore the previous routine restrictions and meditate when necessary.
So I have to learn to assess when I need to meditate? And that needs thought. This is very difficult but is maybe a good practice – the need to assess continually.