I was in Bkk for five days, and ate badly. I found that I was eating too much because I was not eating healthy food. Have been back home since Tuesday barely getting through the days as I have been tired as usual from Bangkok, slightly more tired because I was more sluggish after choosing to go off diet, and then was working for two days – with a calmer day on Friday. So I was expecting for my weight to be up only to find that I have finally hit my BMI 80kg.
Now I ought to be really happy with this, as this is an indication that there is no lurking disease in pockets of fat etc. But I am not. My retired life has been disrupted this last two months. Firstly I have got dogs to guard against burglars. I am trying to train them, and it is difficult when all other dogs are allowed to wander untrained – the Thai way. I have lost sleep initially but that is getting better – except I have had to change my sleeping times. In fact those times are more “normal”, no 3 in the morning stuff any more, and of course a natural day is better – closer to the diurnal cycle. But it has been a disruption.
Then on top of this I have become a part-time employed teacher. This move back into wage-slavery is definitely not what I wanted. The teaching started with the Principal coming to the beach and asking me if I wanted to volunteer. I recount this as the Principal finding a bum off the beach to teach in the classroom, but I had a reputation and she checked my CV. This teaching was not always easy but it was OK – it fulfilled the giving back criterion. Then last April she got me to fill in forms for money, I saw that as the kiss of death. Money means Principals think they have power, control over the wage-slave, and that is the last I wanted again – however pleasant the Principal is. Last month she came to me and showed me a contract for 8 hours being paid B10000 a month. Now by Western standards that money is low but it is good money out here – she had clearly been trying to do well. But the money mattered little, what concerned me was the increased hours. And then a bombshell, she wanted me to teach pre-school. AAggHH!
Now there is no good educational reasoning for teaching 4-year-old Thai kids English when they can’t write Thai. There is no way I could teach in Thai, and the first lesson was an absolute disaster. I was expecting to work with the class teacher, but she left. There could be history involved in this being left alone but I will never know because there is no real communication. I have taught them since twice with the teacher and it has been different but fine.
My week is now long. Monday 4 hours at home, Tuesday 4 hours at school (lunch), Wednesday 3 hours at school (lunch), Thursday 4 hours at school (lunch), Friday 3 hours at home, Sunday 1 hour at home; in total 16 hours teaching. There is not much preparation, and none of the politics and meetings but for retired that is still too much.
But more worrying is my journey. Meditation was unnecessarily on hold in Bkk, and has not been good since. But my journey seems non-existent subsumed by dogs and teaching. My last big change was Mandtao, and that was going well. Then I started the Tai Chi, and for some reason I then stopped Mandtao. Now I am not learning anything as the Tai Chi has also stopped. I have done some Chilel but the vitality is not there. In fact I would say I am not happy – I have been happy for a long time.
It would be easy to blame the teaching and the dogs, but I just don’t know. I have no direction even when I do a good morning meditation, afternoon has gone. And writing this hasn’t helped. Often a solution comes in the writing but there is just a stop, a statement of facts and no way forward – no journey.
80 kg and all is not well.